So this last week or so I’ve been preparing for my hernia surgery and recovery. I knew that after surgery I wasn’t going to be able to stay with my trainer any longer because I wouldn’t be able to get up and down the stairs. Luckily my sister agreed to let Lakota and I come and stay with her while I recover from my surgery. Last weekend our friends Julie & Jenea came and helped us move all of our stuff to my sisters. It’s been interesting getting everything settled and figuring out a new routine. It’s coming together though.
Originally my surgery was scheduled for yesterday but when I went in to the doctor’s office, with a cold, they told me they couldn’t put me under anesthesia. Something about having a cold plus my asthma would not be a good combination and I would be at a higher risk of complications. So, they sent me home and we had to reschedule my surgery for two weeks away. At this point it’s just a matter of waiting.
Any delay right now is irritating. The longer it takes me to have my surgery means that it’s just going to put off my recovery time. I’m not allowed to work out or lift weights until after my surgery so this is just prolonging my weight loss. I’m not happy about it either. I hate waiting – I want to be able to work out right now. I’m just trying to keep as busy as I can for right now and I pray for the best.
I like starting things on a positive note so the good news is that I got to go on my camping trip for reaching my goal last month. We left last Friday and came home on Sunday. It was so much fun and I was really able to relax. We went fishing, I caught three fish-which we threw back, sat around the fire and just talked. We prepared for cold weather but it was surprisingly nice out. Our last day we went to Mirror C ranch and helped some friends bring in their hay. I got to drive the tractor while Breeze helped load it and the girls rode horses with the children. I would never have been able to do that a couple of months ago. I also got to ride a four wheeler! I’ve been aching to do that for a while now and I was finally able to do it. It was so exhilarating! This weekend I get to go back and help them with the haying again which means I get to drive the tractor. It’s an amazing feeling to be needed.
The bad news is that earlier this week I found out I have another hernia. I guess it’s a pretty bad one as the doctors have scheduled me to have surgery on the 9th of October. In the meantime I’m not allowed to lift any weights or do any strenuous exercise. That effectively put a halt on most of my physical activity. This will actually be my 11th hernia surgery and it has me completely frustrated. I’ve been working so incredibly hard these past few months to be healthier and to lose weight and I’m worried that it was all for nothing. I can no longer work out so I just don’t see the weight dropping off. Plus after surgery it’s going to take me some time to recover and that will just further delay my weight loss progress. Just when I thought things were starting to look up for me I get this news and it’s completely flustered me.
I hate ending on bad news so I will tell you that while I was at the doctors office I did find out that I’ve lost another 2 pounds. That means I’ve lost 81 pounds so far from when I started. That was the only ray of sunshine in an otherwise gloomy day. I’ll take it and be happy I lost that two pounds! I’m not giving up either-it’s just a speed bump in the road for now.
Lately I’ve been struggling with my lot in life and making myself do things I know I should be doing-like cooking, cleaning, and working out. This process has been a constant battle for me and everyday I have to remind myself that I’m not the woman I used to be and that I’m stronger than I was. I’ve spent so much of the last three years relying on people to do things for me because I couldn’t do them myself. I had to rely on family members to get me where I needed to go, like the grocery store or picking up my daughter from school when she had seizures, I had to rely on my children to take care of my dogs, and household things because I couldn’t do them myself. Being stuck in a wheelchair for so long severely limited my ability to do things and I basically gave up-on myself and my life. It wasn’t exactly living and the only the only reason I got up every morning was for my children.
Things are different now and have been for a few months. I’m no longer stuck in a wheelchair and it’s actually gathering dust in my garage. I don’t feel like I need to go and dust it off either. I’m cooking for me and my daughter, I help to clean, and I’m starting to become a contributing member of the household I’m living in. Still I have days that I struggle and even if I do a workout I want to to quit before I know I should. It all comes down to changing my mindset. I still think like I’m the 400 pound, disabled woman I used to be instead of the lady that can walk around the grocery store and the lady that throws around 20 pound weights.
I am a lot stronger than even I realize sometimes and I need to remember that about myself. I’ve survived my entire life having other people tell me I cant, I’m not good enough, or that I’m too fat to do something. I refuse to be one of those contributing voices in my head any longer. It’s time I start thinking of things as the 150 pound woman that I want to be instead of the 400 pound woman I used to be. Thinking in those terms will help me to get off the couch and give me the motivation to push myself to be better-even when I know it’s going to be hard. That’s what’s going to help me lose the 28 pounds I’m striving for this month and ultimately what’s going to give me long term success. I’m ready to start being that woman.
I feel like I’ve been training for a marathon lately. I knew going into this month I would have to work incredibly hard. I want to be under 300 pounds bad enough that I’ve started going to three a day workouts. I’m pretty wiped out at the end of the day because I’ve been working so hard. We don’t have a scale around the house though so I’m not sure yet if it’s doing any good. I’m hoping to weigh myself at the end of the week to see if I’ve lost anything so cross your fingers for me!
Additionally, Breeze has been having me do water aerobics-as of Monday anyway. Every Monday for the next 6-8 weeks I’ll be doing water aerobics in a friends pool. I can’t tell you how amazing it feels to be able to get back in the water. It’s literally been a few years since I’ve been able to get in the pool. Now he’s got me walking and running all over the dang thing. And you know what? It feels absolutely amazing.
All this working out is doing me some good. I’ve got way more energy than I’ve ever had and I can tell that I’m physically getting stronger. My legs are different story, however. They sometimes are stubborn and resistant. As much as I would like to just move and get it done, my body just won’t co-operate with me all the time. Sometimes I do get cramps in my legs if I push myself too far. Luckily I’ve got some fantastic people that help me massage my legs when I do cramp.
Kaila was nice enough to massage my crampy legs for me!
So it’s the start of a new month and it’s time to re-evaluate my goals and how I did as well as set some new ones. For the month of August I had set four goals for myself:
- To get out of my wheelchair
- Lose 20 pounds
- Move out of my apartment
- Get off my medications
This being the first time I’ve ever set goals for myself I think I did fairly well. I am not currently using my wheelchair and I haven’t for twelve days! I’m still not walking as much as i would like but I am only using a cane or my walker for longer distances. I’ve also moved out of my apartment and into a much healthier environment, but I do have roommates. I’m still actively looking for my own place but I’m okay staying here for a while. The environment I’m in is so much better than it was and I know I get the support I need here. I didn’t quite make the 20 pound marker but I got dang close; I lost a total of 16 pounds bringing me down to 328 pounds!! That’s a big accomplishment for me and one I’m really proud of. I also didn’t get off my meds all the way but because of my success with weight loss I’ve been able to cut them in half. I feel great knowing that I’ve made such big strides this last month. Although I didn’t quite make all of my goals I’m very happy with where I’m at. I did earn the camping trip-which is a huge accomplishment for me, and we’ve made plans to go in a couple weeks when the craziness of Labor Day is past us.
In keeping with my tradition of goal setting I’ve set some new goals for the month of September. They’re a little bit tougher than last months goals. So without further ado, here they are:
- Goal: Lost 29 pounds by the end of the month. This will put me under 300 pounds. Reward: Finally get myself some new clothes.
- Goal: To get the rest of the way off my meds. Reward: A trip to the winery. I’ve never been able to go and I’ve always wanted to be able to try it.
This time around these goals are a bit more challenging for me. In order to meet my first goal of getting under 300 ponds I’m going to have to constantly be moving. It’s going to be more intensive than my previous workouts have been. I’ve started going to two a day workouts to help me get moving and I plan on doing that every day for this month. I’m determined to do it and I’ve got the help and support I need to accomplish it.
I’m a very excited woman right now. I finally got moved out of my old apartment and I can’t tell you how happy I am to be rid of that place. I wasn’t technically supposed to have to be out of there until next week but my landlord decided to show up early and tell me he already had the place rented so I needed to move out early. I realize that I didn’t technically have to agree but I had the help and they were willing so we went ahead and did it anyway. It definitely put us in a time crunch because Breeze and his family were leaving this weekend to go out of town so I literally only had one day to move and clean the apartment. It was hectic to say the least. We probably had six different vehicles in my parking lot loaded down with my stuff because it was such short notice. Thank heavens I was already all packed and basically ready to go.
To say the least, we got all my stuff moved and Breeze was sweet enough to help me clean the apartment and repair some holes my daughter’s boyfriend decided to leave in the wall. It was a bit stressful trying to get that fixed in the time crunch we had. We did it though!
For now I’m staying with my friends until I can find an apartment for just Lakota, my two boxers, and myself. The environment here is completely different and I have to say it’s so much more relaxing and stress free. I can’t express to you how nice it is not to wake up to people fighting every damn day. It’s been an interesting change but I know that I’ll get the help and support I need here. They’ve made me and my daughter feel extremely welcome even though I know this is an adjustment for them as well. The dogs have had a bit of a harder time though, haha. They are
not getting along slowly adjusting to having other dogs around so we’re going to be building some dog runs to keep them slightly separated for the time being.
The only thing about moving that makes me sad is the fact that my oldest daughter didn’t come with me. She’s old enough now to live on her own and she’s expecting her first baby with her boyfriend. I worry about her because I know that she didn’t take my nutritional advice with her. I stress that she’s not really prepared to be a mother and care for her child. I know this is my fault because I am the one that taught her these unhealthy eating habits. Trying to change that now, when she’s grown, has been extremely difficult. Hopefully it will eventually sink in but until then I’ll just keep trying to get through to her.