Lately I’ve been struggling with my lot in life and making myself do things I know I should be doing-like cooking, cleaning, and working out. This process has been a constant battle for me and everyday I have to remind myself that I’m not the woman I used to be and that I’m stronger than I was. I’ve spent so much of the last three years relying on people to do things for me because I couldn’t do them myself. I had to rely on family members to get me where I needed to go, like the grocery store or picking up my daughter from school when she had seizures, I had to rely on my children to take care of my dogs, and household things because I couldn’t do them myself. Being stuck in a wheelchair for so long severely limited my ability to do things and I basically gave up-on myself and my life. It wasn’t exactly living and the only the only reason I got up every morning was for my children.
Things are different now and have been for a few months. I’m no longer stuck in a wheelchair and it’s actually gathering dust in my garage. I don’t feel like I need to go and dust it off either. I’m cooking for me and my daughter, I help to clean, and I’m starting to become a contributing member of the household I’m living in. Still I have days that I struggle and even if I do a workout I want to to quit before I know I should. It all comes down to changing my mindset. I still think like I’m the 400 pound, disabled woman I used to be instead of the lady that can walk around the grocery store and the lady that throws around 20 pound weights.
I am a lot stronger than even I realize sometimes and I need to remember that about myself. I’ve survived my entire life having other people tell me I cant, I’m not good enough, or that I’m too fat to do something. I refuse to be one of those contributing voices in my head any longer. It’s time I start thinking of things as the 150 pound woman that I want to be instead of the 400 pound woman I used to be. Thinking in those terms will help me to get off the couch and give me the motivation to push myself to be better-even when I know it’s going to be hard. That’s what’s going to help me lose the 28 pounds I’m striving for this month and ultimately what’s going to give me long term success. I’m ready to start being that woman.